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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
bunnyomega
moveslikekeithrichards

my favorite student is this little excitable turkish kid who waves me over at lunch every day to holler a joke at me & then urges me to get the other teachers to come listen to his jokes. my favorite so far is Q: what do you call somebody who doesnt want you to go to the bathroom? A: a teacher (the other teachers did not find it as hilarious as i did)

moveslikekeithrichards

this child, hollering at me in the middle of class: YOU NEED PUN. 

me: yeah i do whats ur pun

this child: what was the real name of the titanic? …the fathership. ……….because fathers are Big.

moveslikekeithrichards

me, at recess: hey u got any jokes today

this child, stumbling off a log & dramatically yeeting his paper hat full force for no apparent reason: i have,,,,, ONE. [dramatic pause] i really have to KETCHUP on fortnite 

moveslikekeithrichards

todays the last day i have this kids class & he was like “u need a GOOD final joke” & i want yall to know his final joke to me was: why are frogs so happy? because they eat what bugs them. he then proceeded to hug me for a solid minute while a bunch of other kids came & took turns hugging me,

Source: moveslikekeithrichards
bunnyomega
meanplastic

Me practicing this housewife thing for when I drop out of uni

twerkcircus

Hey so I just feel the need to add this. NEVER deep fry in a shallow pot. What happened here is this person put frozen fries in hot oil, and the hot oil will nearly double in size when you drop something cold in it. Then it overflows out of the pot and you have a grease fire. You should never have oil more than about a third of the way up the pot.

antihelix

Reblogging because even I didn’t officially know this.

Source: meanplastic
gaypizzabacon
mbrainspaz

talking to my dad is a freaking minefield. Today at dinner I asked him if he’d ever been to New York City in the 90′s and he was like, “nope. Only in the 70′s to donate blood for my mom in the hospital while she was dying from leukemia.” I swear I didn’t even know my grandmother had leukemia (may she rest in peace). This is worse than the time I asked him if he’d ever had riding lessons and he said, “not since my childhood lesson pony burned to death in a barn fire in Kentucky.”

mbrainspaz

he just did it again! I was making small talk while we were carrying in the groceries like, “yeah I have a taser in my purse but I’ve never gotten to use it,” and he goes, “I’ve been tasered before it’s not fun. Neither was waterboarding.” 

wtf dad

mbrainspaz

latest edition: 

me: I found a bottle of vic’s vapo rub in the cabinet that expired in 2002 but it was fine. 

my dad: Oh I don’t touch that stuff but guys I worked with used it to mask the smell of bodies that’d been dead for a while. 

heywriters

is your dad an ex-assassin

amemait

An ex-assassin who loved his mum. And his pony.

Source: mbrainspaz